Heinous Public Speaking Crimes & How to Avoid Them.

There’s a war going on out there. New victims are claimed each day in the conference centres and boardrooms of this nation. It’s time we fought to end this cruel and barbaric practice: the mindnumbingly boring presentation.

I’m not a public speaker. But through my work I attend a lot of presentations. Some have been inspirational and transformative. Others have made the dripping-tap-water-torture seem like a Hawaiian lomi lomi massage. The greatest villains form a rogues gallery repressed in the deepest recesses of my psyche.

So I’m sharing these ideas partly in pursuit of my own sellf-preservation, and in the hope that I can make some small contribution to the liberation of audiences trapped in webs of monotony.

Open with your best stuff - When Francis Ford Coppola was asked how to cut a documentary together he explained that you need to put your best scene first, and then finish with your second best scene. The idea is that the 2 most important moments you have with an audience are when you first engage with them, and how you leave them. Please don’t spend the first few minutes building up to your first point. Just hit me between the eyes with something big, and then offer some explanation. Please avoid the stream of consciousness explanation of your thought process e.g. When I was first asked to talk about (insert topic) my initial reaction was (insert gut reaction).

Don’t apologise - I’m amazed at how many people begin a presentation by apologising for the fact that they had a cold last week, the fact that they are jetlagged, that they’re not a very good public speaker, or they are recovering from grieving over their recently departed pet Madagascar hissing cockroach. Appealing to an audience’s sense of sympathy, or even pity, should be a last ditch strategy reserved for crises like forgetting to bring your cue cards, or realising that you are naked. This sort of approach is akin to the waiter bringing your food to the table and apologising in advance for the food being a bit average.

Animate and enthuse – Often, the most memorable presentations are based more on the manner in which they were delivered, rather than their content. It’s more enjoyable listening to someone who is expressive, uses gestures, and generally appears to be enjoying the process. While a monotonous drawl may add subtle drama to a Western gunslinger monologue, it will do little to endear an audience to you.

Don’t ask for feedback, look for it. – Something that most people learn on the road to adulthood is the ability to project an adapted self, or mask, to the world. Therefore, while your audience may be thinking “oh, for the love of God, please deliver me from this cruel and unusual torture”, they may appear to be diligently offering you their attention. But look a little closer, and you will notice certain giveaways, or “tells”:

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